Author: Faye Mishna, Ph.D., M.S.W.

Parents of teenagers with learning disabilities are frequently plagued by the question of how many expectations to place upon their sons and daughters. How much is it reasonable to expect? This can be very confusing, especially since learning disabilities are so often ‘invisible.’ On the one hand, adolescence is an age when teenagers are expected to take on more initiative, responsibility and independence. Typically, this is evident in areas such as school work, hygiene and contact with peers. On the other hand, these parents know that, in spite of their chronological ages, their sons or daughters are not equipped to take the initiative, act responsibility or be independent in a consistent or reliable fashion. Many parents recognize that if their children are left to learn from their ‘mistakes’ or ‘failures,’ what they will likely learn is that they are ‘failures.’ Consequently, parents realize that their children need help in order to have successful experiences and build confidence.

A puzzling factor in all of this is that teenagers with learning disabilities often appear to be, and are, quite capable in some areas. This may lead to the false conclusion that when these teenagers don’t act capably or responsibly, this is primarily due to a lack of motivation. Adding to this predicament are pressures that come from the adolescents themselves and from society. Although they may not have taken on the responsibilities of adolescence, the teenagers don’t hesitate to ask for the rights and privileges of adolescence. This understandably frustrates their parents.

The ‘invisibility’ of learning disabilities may lead other interested and well-intentioned adults (for example, relatives, friends, teachers and other professionals) to caution parents that if they do not insist on their sons or daughters becoming more responsible for their actions, they will be encouraging dependency. The message is clear: if the parents continue to ‘do’ for their teenage children, they will not be helping them develop into well-functioning adults. It is important to place this dilemma in the context of our society in which independence and autonomy are considered signs of good health. Recently, some groups have criticized this basic belief because it is not found in all cultures and societies. But, if a teenager is not able to assume independence and all that goes with it in our society’s expected way and time frame, the child and his/her parents may face significant negative judgements.

All of this may serve to deflate and shake the confidence of parents. They may feel frustrated, inadequate and guilty when they provide assistance to their teenage sons and daughters; angry at their sons or daughters for not being more independent or autonomous; and confused when they can’t sort out this issue. An additional pressure relates to parents’ natural desire to decrease their parental responsibilities as their children grow up. This is a developmental stage for parents that typically coincides with the adolescent stage.

Due to the nature of learning disabilities and individual differences, these teenagers often need considerable support to accomplish certain tasks and to reach developmental milestones. Their parents can, with good will, feel free to lend a hand. This must be coupled with encouragement and expectations which will contribute to the teenager assuming greater responsibility. This is a difficult, delicate and worthwhile balance to determine.